Taming the Fire with Friends

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Okay, so your friends are doing it again. They constantly bug you with super needy phone calls and last-minute cancellations. You may find yourself venting to other friends about them or even feel tempted to pull the plug altogether. But, there’s a reason you became close to begin with, so before doing something you might later regret, you need to take the necessary steps to making the relationship better. After all, friendships are worth saving.

Start by assessing whether there’s anything you should do differently. People often fail to recognize how they might be contributing to the problem. For example, before blaming a friend for being too bossy, ask whether you really speak up enough. Then, make an effort to express your desires more firmly for a while and see if things between you guys improve. If there’s no change, a confrontation may be needed. And, you don’t have to approach the whole situation with a hot head. There is a way of doing things by remaining calm, easy, and tactful. First of all, timing is key. Bring up the issue the very next time they do whatever it is that annoys you. It’s possible that they may not even be aware of the behavior, so you want to catch them in the act. By pointing it out in the moment, they will be less likely to deny it or react defensively.

It’s also a smart idea to sandwich your complaint between two positive statements. Tell them what you appreciate and what they can ease up on. Then, make changing the situation seem like a team effort you are both in on. Another option would be to take your relationship down a notch. If a close friend has a big mouth but is a ton of fun to be around, consider making your connection with them more casual. You would still go out together to parties and bars, but they may not be someone you turn to for confidential advice.

If things still don’t get better after you’ve approached them about what’s bothering you, then it’s time to consider whether you still want to be friends with them. Ask yourself if the positive parts of your relationship outweigh the negative. They may be too moody, but are you willing to live with that in return for their other great qualities? They can be generous and trustworthy, and that may be something worth fighting for. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide. Can you put your annoyances aside or has the friendship run its course?

There’s one absolute deal breaker though. Friends who wish you ill are toxic, and you must drop them right now. If they’re uncontrollably jealous of you or they’re not happy when good things happen to you, chances are slim that they’ll be able to move past such malicious emotions. And, having someone in your life that’s not on your side will only make you feel just as bad. Better lose the poison and focus on friends who do really have your back.

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